He cannot picture life without alcohol Some day he will be
unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it.
Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at
the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end.
ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 152
Only an alcoholic can understand the exact meaning of a
statement like this one. The double standard that held me
captive as an active alcoholic also filled me with terror and
confusion: “If I don’t get a drink I’m going to die,”
competed with “If I continue drinking it’s going to kill me.”
Both compulsive thoughts pushed me ever closer to the
bottom. That bottom produced a total acceptance of my alcoholism—
with no reservations whatsoever—and one that
was absolutely essential for my recovery. It was a dilemma
unlike anything I had ever faced, but as I found out later on,
a necessary one if I was to succeed in this program.